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Lovers Embrace

What to Talk About on the First Date?

You got the date! Now what the heck do you say to her?

So you got the first date. Congrats! Now the big question… what the heck do you talk about?


I say this gently, if you are thinking about the above question you are already in the process of sabotaging your first date.


Wait, what?


You have begun the cycle. The cycle which can ruin the process of dating and mess up any potential connection that could develop. You are over thinking. Before you tell yourself this is basic information, keep reading. The coaching I do with men is never centered around some mythical idea or super secret strategy. It is about learning to relax, be yourself, and read the signals of the woman you are with.


When you are out with your friends you don’t ask yourself, “what am I going to talk about with them.” Why do you suppose this is? Two reasons:

One, you know they won’t judge you because you are friends.

Two, you have had previous experiences getting to know each other and you have confidence that the commonalities between you will make for ongoing conversation.


How can we apply this to a first date? You don’t know she won’t judge you, so you get inside your head, and you try and prepare so that you can avoid doing anything you think she might judge you for (an awkward silence, perhaps?). Let me tell you why this is the wrong frame of mind to operate from…


This shows you are SO invested in the outcome, you will do anything, including change how you might normally behave, to get this woman to like you and “approve” of you. Being invested in the outcome before you have even had a first date is operating from a place of scarcity. “I need this date to work out because I haven’t had a first date in years!!”


If you haven’t had a first date in years, that is okay. That doesn’t mean THIS date HAS to be the one that works out. In fact, feeling so desperate for the date to go well will only increase your anxiety, which will decrease your ability to act natural and be yourself. If you aren’t being yourself how will she come to like the real you?


Now for the second part, with friends, you know the commonalities between you will make for ongoing conversation, so you don’t worry about what to say with friends. How can we apply this to a first date. What commonality do you have with this woman? You haven’t met her before, or if you have, it’s never been in the setting of a date. What possible commonalities could you have with her…?


I am going to throw a curve ball here…









Try to stop looking to women as if they are out of reach, ethereal creatures that are worlds apart from yourself. Now, women and men are very very different in many respects. The way they think, their hormonal composition, the mind set they operate from. I could go on and on.


But when we are talking about first date stuff, initial introductions and when we are just first getting to know someone, men and women have a lot in common.


Talk about life! Focus on the environment.

Commonalities include:


You both have jobs (I will assume)


You both might have pets


You both live in the same area and are familiar with what’s around town


You both have hobbies, dreams, vacation plans, visions for the future!


You both are looking to meet someone to date


The two of you are at the same restaurant (movie, bar, park…) for the date


You both might be feeling nervous (yes women get nervous on first dates!)

A good rule of thumb when you are feeling nervous about what to talk about on a first date is to stop your mind from wandering and thinking about all the possible negative things that could go wrong.


Remind yourself that silence is okay and don’t freak out when silence happens. If you want an ‘out’ from the silence an easy thing to do is to pick out something from the environment around you and make a statement about that. If you are at a dog park, pick out a dog and make a statement about it. “Wow look at that dog, he is huge, I bet that would be a great guard dog.”

If you are at a restaurant “I just saw the server take the most amazing looking entree to a table, I think we are really going to like the food here.”


Anything can be relatable. If she is looking to relate to you, connect with you, she is going to find a way to keep the conversation going.


To that point. If she doesn’t, it is not up to you to keep this conversation a float by yourself. Don’t exhaust yourself because she isn’t giving anything back.


Another tip. Do not, I repeat, do not ask her non stop questions about herself. This is exhausting! I can personally speak to this. I can tell you it is impossible to be on an interview “date” of non stop personal questions and feel attracted to the person. Non stop questions make the date feel sterile. There’s no sex appeal. Its just black and white repeating details about oneself.


Ask her questions about herself. But the way to do it correctly is to interject a little about yourself too. Relate to her, connect with her through what she is saying.


If she says she’s never been to Bora Bora, and you haven’t either, go deeper. Think about how a vacation to Bora Bora would make you feel. Women connect through feeling words.


“I can imagine a week in Bora Bora would make me feel like a new person, just thinking about how relaxing and refreshing it would be to disconnect completely from real life, and that water is so blue it looks incredible!”


How you talk to her is going to impact how and what she feels for you…


Please remember this gentleman, women fall in love between their ears (brain) men fall in love with their eyes.

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Does this sound familiar?

  • Spend tons of time crafting the perfect, thoughtful message, only for her to NEVER answer.

  • Wondering why she even gave you her number  in the first place?

  • Feeling like all of the cute girls don't give you the time of day?

  • Blank out when approaching women?

  • Waiting around for her to finally notice your value?

  • Playing it safe as a friend in hopes she will see you romantically "one day"

  • Spending hours thinking about what you should or shouldn't have said?

  • Always being there for her, but never getting the same in return?

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