How to Move on From a Break-Up.

 

A lot of you are probably struggling with this common problem. Getting over your ex and moving on from a break up.

 

The thing is, you are never going to get over your ex girlfriend and move on unless you understand 3 key things. If you understand and implement these key things you WILL start to feel better!

 

We are going to go over exactly what you need to know in this post.

 

Being stuck on your ex girlfriend is the same thing as being stuck in the past. Being stuck in the past will never allow you a chance to experience the amazing people that the universe has for you in your future.

 

You may be so deep in it right now that you cant imagine what things might be like with someone new. And that’s your main problem.

 

You are thinking small. I am here today to help you break through some of your limiting beliefs to start to work toward breaking free from your ex.

 

The first key piece I want you to understand is what is mechanizing, or supporting the pain you are feeling.

 

In psychology there is the understanding that there is little difference between emotional pain and physical pain.

​

In many ways, emotional pain is felt very similarly to physical pain.

 

Social pain actually activates the same nerve centers that physical pain does!

 

So whether you are experiencing social pain from being bullied, being humiliated, or being dumped, you are feeling this very much the same as you might if you have a physical injury.

 

This essentially developed as a protective mechanism, if humans were socially isolated, they were less likely to be able to survive. So to keep humans surviving, we have evolved to feel PAIN when we have social distress.

 

So that is to really help empathize with you and me saying I get it, it really hurts!

 

​

​

The second thing you need to understand when trying to get over an ex is that keeping the hope alive is killing your chances of getting over her.

 

I know you guys are doing this. Keeping the hope alive looks like romanticizing what times were like together. Imagining what times COULD be like together.

 

Thinking if I didn’t do this, or if I was in better shape, if I had a better job, if I, if I…

 

This is literally keeping your brain from being able to move into the healing phase.

 

Maybe you are reading this and thinking, I don’t even want to go into the healing phase. And if that’s where you are, okay. But consider this. The longer you pine for someone who wants nothing to do with you, the less time you are going to have to find the perfect one for you.

 

And trust me. SHE IS OUT THERE.

 

You may be saying, but she WAS the perfect one for me. Now I am going to have to call you out here, and in psychology we use the term delusional or denial. If you are NOT together, the fact is she isn’t the one for you. She cant be, because if she was, you’d be together.

 

Maybe you are reflecting on things you should have or could have done differently. Maybe you are holding hope thinking if you did things differently you’d be together, so there has to be a chance.

 

The rule for this type of scenario is even if two people get back together after a breakup, they are going to end up breaking up again.

​

​

​

The same issues that caused the break up in the first place will still be there after getting back together. And you will be hurting twice as hard after the second time.  

 

​

Heres another principle that I want you to understand, one that is keeping you in this cycle of hope after your breakup. Human beings are much more likely to want to hold onto what is FAMILIAR. It’s a safety mechanism we use. What is familiar is predictable, and therefore, safe.

​

This is old programming from an age long ago when we had to focus on physical survival. But you know better, because you are reading this post and I am telling you, recognize your tendency to hold onto what is familiar (and old!) recognize that even when someone is causing you pain, you STILL want to hold onto them, and realize this is an old survival skill that’s not relevant in today’s society.

​

The old familiar (and painful) is not better than the unknown. The unknown is scarier. The unknown CAN be risky, but the unknown is where ALL THE BETTER STUFF lives.

 

Keeping the hope alive to hold onto someone familiar is like putting your foot on the gas to go forward and putting the break on all at the same time.

 

You are going to get nowhere. And you are going to get frustrated. FAST.

 

So how do you stop keeping the hope alive?

 

A very EASY psychological technique called thought stopping.

 

Thought stopping is something that I used in my therapy practice, and I use it with the men that I coach with dating.

​

Thought stopping essentially is telling yourself out loud “stop it” whenever an unwanted thought comes into your head. You could say whatever is natural for you “cut it out” “stop that” whatever feels right.

 

You see holding onto hope becomes a habit, it becomes a natural chain reaction of thoughts, you will hold onto hope of rekindling things with your ex when you wake up, when you are running errands, when you are in the shower. These thoughts become automatic.

​

The only way to change a habit, is to replace it. Replace these automatic hopeful thoughts with ‘stop it’ this interrupts the normal chai reaction of thoughts. Try it. Don’t knock it. What else do you have to lose?

 

Number three is the most important of all. It will make or break whether or not you can get over your ex.

 

Now before I go on and tell you what the final tip is, I want you to consider this.

 

Coping skills things that help us manage and deal with distress (in this case, a break-up) do not FEEL GOOD the first time we do them.

 

Most of the time something that is a healthy REPLACEMENT doesn’t feel good even the second or third time.

 

It might feel awkward, it might feel uncomfortable. But this means it is working. If it FELT RIGHT you would already be doing it. If it felt right it wouldn’t be helping you grow. Because it wouldn’t be out of the norm of what you're already doing and what you're already doing isn’t getting you what you want.

 

So please, be patient with yourself, and commit to this 3rd step:

If you want to find relief to the torment of your break up you have to add new and novel things to your life. I recommend FIVE THINGS. FIVE different and new THINGS.

 

This could be anything. But I highly recommend these five things involve getting out of your house in some way.

 

What could they be?

 

Join a gym. Join a club (check out meet-up) I always recommend meet-up. But commit to going to one meet-up a week (that would be ONE thing).

​

Go out to dinner 1x week. If this is out of your norm. You need to change your life to change your life.

 

Creating new hobbies, habits and routines will pull you out of the neuro-cognitive associations you have made with your ex.

 

If you and your ex had a certain routine, do not do this routine. Do not rent the movie and do Chinese food on Friday if that’s what you and your ex did.

 

Do the exact opposite, have Thai food and go out and dance.

 

The point here is to break the bonds that your brain has created with your ex and bring in new and novel tings that have zero ties to her.

 

Trust and believe adding 5 new things to your life wont only help you get over her, it will also bring new opportunities people and growth into your life. This is your life are you going to give yourself the best shot?

 

​

To recap:

​

• Social pain theory is keeping you in physical/emotional pain.
   

• Hoping and romanticizing what could be and what was will not allow your brain to begin the healing process.
   

• Break the mental bonds by introducing 5 new things into your life and remove old routines that are associated with your ex.

​

​

Are YOU struggling with getting over a break up and want to improve your dating life? Want some personalized support? Book your coaching session today.