This is holding you back in your dating life.
Let’s talk a little bit about magical thinking.
If you haven’t heard this term before – it is often used to describe a type of thinking that is not based in reality. Sometimes this term is used in the therapy world. As a former mental health therapist, this term is very familiar to me as many clients would use this. But now, as a men's dating coach, I see this with my clients who are looking to better their dating lives as well.
A belief that some amazing thing is going to happen, some particular outcome will occur immediately because of ‘xyz’.
Confused? Here’s an example.
Oftentimes men feel that if they hire me as their coach I will give them this master gold scroll of dating secrets. After they get this master scroll, they will be transformed into a master dater.
They have the magical thinking that nothing but these instructions on the master gold scroll will transform them into the dater they want to be.
They have this idea that there is specific information that they don’t have, and when they get that information, it will immediately solve their problems and transform their dating life.
The problem with this idea is that there is also a belief that there are no real action steps that have to be taken.
Why do some guys use magical thinking?
Magical thinking is used as a defense mechanism. Instead of doing the work that is scary. These men tell themselves the only thing they are missing is knowledge, just the knowledge.
They think -
"Once I know what I don’t know, (from this magical scroll my dating coach will give me) then it will change for me."
Now let me tell you, about 25% of your dating life is just about the book stuff, the knowledge. The rest is all about ACTION.
You have to take the action. You have to put in the work.
When you hire a coach, you cant expect a coach to drop it all in your lap, and have it work.
Dating coaches, or any coach cannot do the work for you, its not going to translate into results. The dating coach is there to provide you with information and an outside perspective. Here are some tips on how to flirt, here are some ways to go about asking her out. Here are some body language cues to look out for. But that's just half of what a dating coach provides.
The other half (if not MORE) is an outside perspective.
And here’s the thing.
If you aren’t actually doing the work, if you're sitting at home, not joining the clubs, not going out at night, to a restaurant to a lounge a coffee shop, to meet women, to be around women.
If you're not actually taking action on the information, the facts that your dating coach is giving you, its not going to work.
Think of it this way. You're given the math equation. The only way you become good at solving the equation is practicing the equation.
I could spend the 10 weeks meeting with a coaching client, giving them all the flirting tips, giving them all the things they need to know about her body language, etc, but the other factor is LIFE. That’s the other variable, the human condition. She's a human being, she’s not a robot. I cant just give you some blueprint for what to say and what to do and have you not actually put into practice what you are learning.
There are nuances of the human condition that are impossible to replicate across the board.
is going to respond differently
to what you say and what you do.
The reason why a coach comes in as helpful is because along the way, as you are behaving a certain way, as you are getting a certain result over and over again, your coach can say, 'hey look I’m noticing this pattern.' A pattern of behavior that you probably don’t notice yourself. And then from what your coach is learning about your struggles, can help you to tweak how you’re interacting with women.
But as long as you’re stuck in the magical thinking of “I just need the information, and once I have all the information, then it is going to work out for me” it’s not going to work.
Information alone wont solve your dating problems. Think about it. All of the information is already online. YouTube, Instagram, twitter, free resources can be found anywhere. You can listen to all the podcasts, you can watch all the videos with dating tips and secrets about women, but you still haven’t gotten the result you are looking for. Why is that?
Its because of two things:
You’re not implementing the information.
You don’t have the outside perspective about how you’re behaving with women.
I have to see how you are implementing what I am giving you in order to know the next guiding step. The facts and the information, only get you to step 1. The other steps are taken after action!
If you are not ready to take action and go out there and implement the physical steps that need to be taken that your coach is recommending, there is other work that needs to be done.
You have to ask yourself, are you really willing to take the action steps and do what it takes?
Let me give you guys step #1. This is exactly what I tell my clients when they hire me before we do any other work.
Get a head start on this now.
Make sure you are out of your house 4 or 5 nights per week, and you are engaging with people in a fun way.
I don’t mean specifically seeking out women. I mean out of your house, not isolating, and developing your life for yourself so you have a life you enjoy.
Without a life that you enjoy, without things on a social calendar, without activities, you have an isolative side that lives inside of you and is bringing your psyche down.
Going to the gym, living your life, learning new things, developing hobbies, all of these things change your energy in a positive way. And everything about you is going to change along with this.
You’ll be more positive, you’ll be happier, your energy is going to be radiating, and women will notice this. Women will be drawn to you.
So step one before you even hire the dating coach: develop your social life, develop your activities. Find things that you love. If you can't identify 4 things that you passionately love in your life, and things that drive you, you aren’t even ready for a woman in your life.
A woman doesn’t make your life.
You make your life first, and a woman then becomes a compliment to that.
That was real.
I know this will be helpful to some of you!
If you are ready – I’d love to chat. Book here.
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Does this sound familiar?
Spend tons of time crafting the perfect, thoughtful message, only for her to NEVER answer.
Wondering why she even gave you her number in the first place?
Feeling like all of the cute girls don't give you the time of day?
Blank out when approaching women?
Waiting around for her to finally notice your value?
Playing it safe as a friend in hopes she will see you romantically "one day"
Spending hours thinking about what you should or shouldn't have said?
Always being there for her, but never getting the same in return?